Sometimes military life can make finding and maintaining friendships seem a little harder. But making the effort to connect with others is worth it. Socialization and relationships give children (and grown-ups!) the opportunity to learn and practice important skills like understanding, empathy, and cooperation. Plus, friendships add joy to life!

Do what you can to connect with others and provide opportunities for your children to talk and play with others, too. Parks, playgrounds, and library story time sessions are all low-cost and low-pressure places for children to spend time playfully learning with and from other children.

But we aren’t always able to have friends or family around, and sometimes we—children and grown-ups—may feel lonely. Children’s feelings come in all shapes and sizes, and often they show how they’re feeling before they tell us. Changes in your child’s behavior, such as sighing, looking sad, being withdrawn, eating more or less than usual, or smiling or laughing less often may signal to you that they’re having some big feelings.

Help children to open up about their feelings by:

• Reminding them that all feelings are okay
• Sharing some of your own feelings with them
• Naming the emotions (“It looks like you might be feeling sad/scared/lonely…”)

And help them work through their big feelings playfully. Consider these ideas:

• Draw it out. Children can draw pictures of how they feel or simply release emotions through creating. Once children have moved through their initial big feelings, you might encourage them to draw a picture for someone they are missing. Take a picture to text, email, or even drop it in the mail. Doing something kind for others can give kids a boost of “feel good” energy.
• Send kind thoughts. Continue the positivity with a little imaginative thinking. Use thought and imagination to deepen children’s positive social identity. Say, “Let’s close our eyes and take two belly breaths. Think of someone you care about. What kind words would you like to say to that person? Say them quietly in your mind. Take one more breath in and slowly let it out. How did it feel to send kind thoughts?”
• Make a Happy Box. When calm, children can create their own happy box, which they can access independently when they need a moment of calm or a boost of happy feelings. Invite children to put items in the box that engage their senses (play dough, a snuggly for hugging, a glitter jar) and their mind (puzzles, matching games, blocks). They might also include pictures of family and friends, special drawings, or keepsakes from trips or travel.

Strong family bonds, or those ties of trust and togetherness, can help alleviate and mitigate feelings of loneliness in both young children and grown-ups. Fortunately, there are many ways to strengthen your family’s closeness. Consider these ideas:

Say.

Kind words can help to create an environment of respect. Let “thank yous” and “I love yous” abound in your home! Remind your children regularly that you are proud of and thankful for them, and that you see the big (and small!) ways they are growing each day.

Kindness doesn’t need to be transactional, but chances are, what goes around really will start to come around too; so, don’t be surprised if you start to hear unprompted, “I love yous!” from your child.

Show.

Kindness and appreciation can shine in our actions, too. Encourage each member of your family to ask this question each day: How can I help my family today?

Then brainstorm some answers together, writing or drawing pictures of kind or helpful gestures you might do for one another (i.e., give hugs, put dirty laundry in the hamper, read to my brother, listen closely, or play together). Invite children (and grown-ups) to choose something from the list each day. Over time, observe—and feel—how your family’s level of cooperation and closeness grows.

Remember, as a parent, you already do so much to take care of your family! And though some things you do may not always be acknowledged, your actions do matter. Your care and attention add to your family’s sense of togetherness.

Savor.

We know there are ups and downs in military life. And in challenging times, we can be tempted to get into an “all or nothing” mindset: Nothing is going right. Nobody understands me. It’s always going to be hard.

But there is always reason for hope! To stay positive in hard times, it can help to remember  the good things in life. When life is smooth sailing, do your best to savor and document life’s sweet moments: take pictures and videos or write notes in a journal. You might make a “happy file” (digital or physical) that you can reference for a little boost of positivity when you’re feeling low.

Start Again.

Inevitably, every family will experience hardship. When mistakes are made or feelings are hurt, what matters most is that we do our best to repair the relationship. Be ready to ask for and offer forgiveness. And round out your apology with reassurance: remind kids (and grown-ups) that it’s okay to make mistakes. We all do! But no matter what, your family is in it together.

Being a military family means being part of something bigger than yourself.  This can add to your family’s overall sense of purpose that feeling doesn’t always trickle down to your family’s day-to-day experience. Changing schedules, frequent moves, lingering uncertainty—not to mention heavy use of acronyms—can leave you and your family missing loved ones and feeling set apart or even isolated from others.

Having a circle of care, both near and far, can help you feel less alone. Read on for ideas to help you maintain healthy relationships with family and friends, both old and new.

• Who I Am. Positive relationships start with a positive sense of self. Having confidence in who you are and what makes you special and strong can help you meaningfully engage with others. Plus, self-assurance is contagious: you may notice that others may feel freer to be confidently themselves in your presence!
• Pencil them in. Life is busy! Our good intentions to catch up with friends or family can very easily get put on the back burner. Move beyond intention to action: put dates and times on your calendar for phone calls, video chats, coffee, or play dates.
• Share your military story. Sometimes you may feel like others, especially civilian acquaintances, friends, or family, just don’t understand what your life is like. And they probably don’t! Instead of focusing on feelings of frustration or discouragement, try telling them about your life. Share some challenges and joys you face as a military family and allow yourself to be surprised by the things you inevitably do have in common.

The Loneliness of Parenting…Alone and Together

Parenting is joyful, but hard and humbling work. As your children grow and learn, you grow and learn right alongside them; you have to learn how to be a parent! Military life can add extra growing pains, too. As you learn to be a parent, you also learn to be a partner in very unique and sometimes challenging circumstances. All that learning can leave you feeling lonely.

Sharing core beliefs as a family can help you feel more connected to one another and give you strength when you’re feeling alone. Consider the suggestions below, and then brainstorm together about other core beliefs your family holds.

• We’re on the same team.
  Each member of your family makes unique sacrifices, and while we each have distinct challenges (solo-parenting, physical demands of training, missing mom or dad), you are all in this together, working toward the same goals.
• We go with the flow and learn as we go.
  Military life often involves uncertainty, changed plans, and disruptions to routines. Flexible thinking, curiosity, and adopting a “we can do it!” attitude are all skills that can help your family navigate changes with confidence.
• We do our best and forgive the rest.
  Inevitably, mistakes will be made. When someone in your family gets their feelings hurt or things just aren’t going well, be quick to reset and reconnect. Offer words of comfort, forgiveness, and appreciation. And hugs are usually a good idea, too!

It takes a lot of energy, flexibility, and endurance to keep up with the demands of military life. You do so much to keep your family running smoothly. It’s important to make sure you are getting what you need in order to keep running, too.

Sustainable “self-care.”

Self-care is often presented in a way that makes it seem like we need to spend extra money to care for ourselves, and that can leave us feeling frustrated. Fortunately, meaningful self-care doesn’t need to be flashy! In fact, our positive, healthy, consistent choices every day—such as drinking enough water, eating healthy meals, getting regular movement, going to bed earlier—are the real game-changers. In reality, self-care often looks more like self-discipline and persistence than a beach vacation.

Take action.

Small, sustainable actions can help you feel better, whether you’re hoping to decompress after work (or after a toddler-meltdown), shake off the midday sleepies, or just put a little pep in your step. Consider the ideas below, and then take action! Can you do one of these things right now? You might keep a list like this on hand to refer to when you have even a few minutes to do something good for you…and ultimately, good for your family!

• Drink a glass of water.
• Walk around the block.
• Listen to your favorite song. Dance while you’re at it!
• Take three slow, deep breaths.
• Call or text a friend – ask how they are doing!
• Stand up.
• Write a short poem.
• Send a thank you text or email.
• Draw a picture.
• Look intently at something beautiful, like a flower, your child, the sky.
• Go outside.
• Be quiet for five minutes.
• Say one positive thing about yourself and/or your life.

Self-care…

Children’s behavior can be revealing; it often acts as a mirror, showing us how we’re coping and carrying on. It’s not uncommon for young children to adopt similar tones, gestures, or even certain phrases, that their parents use. And that’s because children learn how to engage with other people, their world, and their own emotions by observing how we—their grown-ups—behave.

This brings a wonderful opportunity: As you learn how to better manage your own big feelings, you help them learn to better manage theirs. Even your mistakes are meaningful. From you, your children can learn to try, and try again. When you make consistent, positive choices, your children will notice. They may begin to ask questions or desire to do things (exercise, prepare meals, have quiet time!) with you. The care you extend to yourself reaches out to those you love, too.

It takes effort to get to know others and feel like we really belong in a community, but the effort pays off! Connecting with our larger community gives us energy, helps us feel supported (and find support), plus it gives family members a chance to relate to each other in new ways.

Here for now.

The reality of moving every few years can make the prospect of “plugging in” less appealing. You might ask yourself, “If I won’t get to reap the rewards of our efforts (at least not for very long), is my effort really worth it?”

We say, “Yes. Definitely.”

But why?

1. Time is precious and powerful.
   Don’t underestimate the time you have and the people you meet. A lot can happen in a year or two, even in a few months! Meaningful memories can be made, life-changing lessons can be learned, and life-long friendships can be forged. A person you meet could become one of your best friends; you may meet again years down the road.

2. Early relationships matter.
   Young children learn so much in their earliest years. Relationships and socialization are important for children’s development. It’s through relationships that children (and grown-ups) get to practice important skills such as cooperation, perspective-taking, problem solving, kindness, and compassion that will help build and maintain positive, long-term connections throughout their lives.

3. You can pay it forward.
   Finally, by taking the brave step of creating connections with others in your community (even if it’s a “for-now” community), you will likely be better positioned to help newcomers in the future. Someday, you and your family could help another family to feel more welcomed and less alone on their own military adventure.

Planting seeds.

When you’re ready to put down some roots in your community, start by following your interests. If you enjoy exercise, you might join a community center or group fitness class. If you enjoy the arts, see if your community has a theater program or other arts programming like festivals or classes. Or chat with families after a church service.

Try to focus on the things, places, and activities that bring you and your family joy or are already a part of your routine. Chances are good that you’ll be able to strike up conversations and build meaningful connections with others right where you are.

And let your children lead, too! On a trip to the park, playground, or library, be bold and chat with other parents or caregivers. Can you set up a regular playdate?

Excited to start brainstorming some ideas for connecting with your community? Check out the Our Adventure List printable to jot down your ideas.

Military life comes with many ups and downs. As your family moves from place to place or experiences military-related challenges, you may need some extra support. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, asking for help—with parenting, healthcare, childcare, mental health support, or anything else—is always a good option. If you live off base or far from your Reserve or Guard unit, it can feel harder to find military-specific support, but take heart: there are many resources available to you and your family, regardless of your status or location.

Military OneSource is a good place to start. Check out the links below to explore resources:

• Celebrating Military Kids!
• Military Spouse Support
• Peer to Peer Support

Are you a veteran or caregiving family? Here are some additional resources you might find helpful:

• Sesame Workshop Resources for Veteran Families
• Sesame Workshop Resources for Caregiving Families