Most young children have a hard time with separation at one time or another. When they’re really young, little ones are still learning object permanence—the understanding that you still exist even when they can’t see you (that’s why five-month-olds love peek-a-boo—they’re starting to figure it out)! 

Of course, even as kids grow, you’re still their favorite person! When you combine that fact with all the changes and transitions that military life can bring, you may find kids need extra assurance that you are coming back. Predictable, consistent morning routines can really help. 

Continue old, tried-and-true good-bye routines as you both embark on new beginnings. After all, the family is on a new adventure, but some things stay the same! You may already have your own routines, or you can try some of these: 

• Use a special good-bye phrase, such as See you later, alligator (in a while, crocodile). 
• Try fist bumps, a special handshake, a special wave, or three kisses and a hug (or any combination of these). 
• Give children little mementoes of you to keep in a pocket—a handkerchief, a mitten, a stone or shell found during a family trip—anything that reminds them of you. 
• Tie a string around each child’s wrist. Say, “This is a reminder that I love you and that I’ll always come back.” 
• Kiss each child’s palm and close the child’s fingers around it. Say, “Now you’ll be carrying my kiss around with you all day long.” 
• And, of course, make up your own! 

It’s pretty understandable that many kids resist bedtime! It’s exciting to be awake and learning to put yourself to sleep is a skill that takes time. Also, at about age 2, kids can start to develop nighttime fears. 

When you add to that being in a new house, sleeping in a new room, being tucked into a new bed, and all the other changes military life can present, bedtime can become especially challenging for everyone. Consider these ideas and positive thinking tips that begin building resilience in children at bedtime. The result can be a smoother, more relaxing ritual: 

• Keep the order of the nighttime routine the same: for instance, pajamas, brushing teeth, choosing and reading a bedtime story, turning out the light, saying good night.
• Write down the order of bedtimes steps in the routine and then invite your children to illustrate them. 
• What is something you can reassure your children will stay the same? Start there! For instance, “A grown-up will read you a story before you go to sleep,” “You’ll give your teddy bear a kiss good-night,” or “We’ll look out the window together for a star to wish upon.” 
• Try special routines such as getting under the covers together and reading with a flashlight, counting fluorescent star stickers on the ceiling, singing a favorite song, giving a backrub, or sharing what you hope you will dream about. 
• And…remember to give yourself a break if you can’t follow the entire routine once in a while. Building resilience in children takes time, but you’ll get there! 

Dinner Power!

Food brings us together, and mealtime is relax-and-recharge time! It’s also a time to build positive connections with food, laugh together, and catch up on the day’s ups and downs. (Of course, it doesn’t have to be dinner. Even sharing a snack together can be an opportunity to connect.) 

Research shows that family mealtime is good for the overall wellness of all family members. 

Try these positive thinking tips to nourish family relationships and give kids a sense of structure and predictability: 

• In age-appropriate ways, give kids a sense of ownership by involving them in meal preparation.
• At the table, create a group story by saying something like, “Once there was a little carrot seed.” Then the person next to you contributes a sentence, and so on, until everyone has had a turn.
• Tell family stories about what you’re eating, such as, “Lasagna reminds me of the first meal your dad/mom and I ever made together after we got married.”
• Have fun! Have “breakfast for dinner” nights, picnic lunches in the backyard, nights when everyone wears their pajamas to the dinner table, and so on.

Mealtime Conversation Starters

Ask questions (try a different one each night!) and give everyone a chance to respond:

• What do you like most about school (daycare, your new job, our new house) so far?
• Have you met any new kids? How are they the same as or different from you?
• What was something kind that someone did for you recently (and vice versa)?
• Can you think of a special new tradition for our family to try out?
• What did you feel thankful or grateful for today?
• Would you want to have superpowers? If so, which ones? How would you use them to help people?

How Much Longer?

To little ones, five minutes can feel like an hour! Developing patience and managing anxiety when waiting takes practice, just like any other valuable life skill. When this fact is combined with the realities of military life and all the waiting and changes that brings, it may help to consider these strategies: 

For a Short Wait:

• Watch the video “Waiting Around” a few times until you and your children remember the tune of the phrase “I can be patient!” Sing it out loud whenever a reminder is needed. Ask, “What did Cookie Monster do when he had to wait? What might you do? Count to ten, draw a picture, do a little dance?”
• Present a special challenge to pass time (finding all the blue things in the room, counting people in line, looking around for the letter R on a sign, and so on).
• Explain time in a concrete way: A minute might be “the time it takes to brush your teeth.”
• Acknowledge how difficult waiting can be, and model patience yourself: “I know it’s hard to wait. When I’m getting tired of waiting, I read my book. I’m going to open my book now and take a few deep breaths. What would you like to do?”
• Set a timer to show how many minutes the wait is going to be.

For a Long Wait:

• When children have to wait for long periods—weeks or months—you can help them manage anxiety by marking time in a way they understand. Together, design or create an activity to help mark time. For younger children, make a paper chain. Add a link for each day that goes by. The chain can help measure time (how long has the chain grown?), as well as decorate the room
• Explain time in kid-friendly ways. For instance, describe a year as “when there is snow on the ground again.”
• Cross off days on a calendar (you can refer to 24-hour periods as “sleeps,” so a month is “30 sleeps”).

So much rich learning happens together, but it’s important to remember that spending time apart, either at home or when kids go to daycare or school, offers benefits, too. Time spent apart, such as during temporary duty or deployments, allows for individual exploration and unique experiences that can be shared with the whole family later.

Spending time apart often comes with challenges, such as finding a sense of balance, managing big feelings, and communicating well with others. The learning that happens when we’re on our own “adventures” can be extremely valuable, though, and worth working through some of these obstacles.

Practice

Kids may have the same responsibilities in different settings, and routines can help them connect lessons between school and home. Talk about home routines and school routines (such as table-setting or handwashing), for instance. Ask: How are they different? What stays the same? What tasks are the children in your care likely doing in both places?

Then, spend time practicing things that might be different for kids, such as raising their hand to speak or ask a question. Talking and practicing can help build confidence. When children know what to expect, they know what’s expected of them.

Persistence

Communicate often. Teachers or other caregivers are part of your family’s team, and teams work best when they communicate clearly, kindly, and regularly.

Remember that children (and grown-ups) need time to adjust to this—and any—transition. Be patient with yourself, your child, and your family—everyone will need time to feel comfortable being apart.

Assess what’s working and what’s not. When children start at a new daycare, for instance, routines at home may need to change, too, such as having an earlier bedtime. Take a few moments each day to talk about how things went, and what you might need to try tomorrow. Remember, we all need to try, try again, sometimes!

Prioritize

After you’ve spent time apart, make a point to spend uninterrupted, quality time together. Limit distractions as much as possible. Put away your cell phone and laptop and turn the TV off. Together, you might play a favorite game, draw pictures, take a walk, play catch, or have a dance party.

The goal is to let each person in the family know that they are valued, that you care about their interests and well-being, that you’re proud of them and that you enjoy spending time with them!