Just because you’re “grown up” doesn’t mean you’re finished learning. In fact, you may feel as though you’re learning to parent as your children grow and change. And that’s okay. Every parenting journey is unique, but whatever yours looks like, a positive mindset and a lot of grace will help you along the way. Consider these ideas:

Tune in.

Noticing, recognizing, and responding to your child’s emotions and needs helps your child feel accepted, understood, and safe. When you observe them, you’ll notice ways you can support them, or even offer a bit more challenge.

The same works for you, too. Try to notice your own emotions and needs. Consider where you may benefit from a boost of encouragement or a nudge to try something new!

Embrace change.

As a parent, it can feel like a particular challenge—sleep regressions, picky eating, uncomfortable social interactions (hello, public tantrums!)—will last forever. Usually though, it won’t. And, while it’s true that one challenge will be replaced with… a different challenge, it’s also true that you and your children will have new skills to face what’s ahead with a bit more confidence.

Steady yourself.

Your child experiences so much newness. Everything is novel, and so many things change, from the weather to the foods on their plate. Children are eager for routine and reliability—which you can help provide. You can be like a safe, homebase for your child to return to, to rest, and recharge. What a privilege! And, perhaps, a weight.

Taking care of you really matters! Find ways (daily!) to reconnect with your own thoughts, feelings, and body. When you feel whole, healthy, and nurtured, you can continue to be there for your children.

Speak Kindly.

Self-criticism doesn’t usually paint the most accurate picture of what happened, who we are, or what’s possible for us. Instead, put on a growth mindset and a compassionate attitude toward yourself. Remember that we (that means you!) can all learn and grow in new ways. Rather than believing that we’re born “good” or “bad” at things—like parenting, we can move toward the idea that all learning and growing requires practice and effort, and we can always look at things with fresh perspectives.

This kind of mindset is key to mental health because it helps us stay optimistic and confident as we face changes and challenges—and feel less frustrated, more resilient, and more ready to handle problems.

When you are in distress, allow yourself to push ‘pause’ on any negative thoughts. Instead, spend a quiet moment, allowing yourself to speak kindly to yourself. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and repeat phrases such as:

• Everyone feels ____ sometimes.
• Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are a part of learning.
• I keep trying.

Children can try these, too!

Lean on your team.

Parenting is a journey that’s even better with company. You don’t have to go it alone. Find a few people you trust with whom you can share the ups and downs. Of course, this can include your spouse or partner, but a parent, a neighbor, a colleague, or someone from your community center, neighborhood gym, or faith community can offer a listening ear, share joy, and troubleshoot challenges with you, too. There are military-based supports available as well, both on and off base.

Be ready to repair.

Things won’t always go well. If you feel you haven’t responded sensitively to your child’s feelings—or if you just woke up a bit grumpy!—remember that you and your child can always start again. Apologizing is a powerful way to show that grown-ups can make mistakes, too, and to show that you can move forward together.

Flexible thinking is one of the main cognitive skills that children (and grown-ups!) need in order to manage their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Flexible thinking helps us adapt to new or unexpected situations. It can also help us solve problems, get along with others, and think about things in new ways. In military life, flexibility is especially important and something families can practice together.

Fortunately, there are lots of playful ways to build flexible thinking skills. Consider these parenting tips:

More ways than one.

Sometimes children (and grown-ups!) might get stuck, thinking there’s only one way to solve a problem. Remind kids that sometimes there are many ways to accomplish a task.

• Role Model. As you go about your day, narrate what you’re doing using phrases like first, then, and next. If you can, talk about alternate choices you can make. For instance, “I’m making our sandwiches for lunch! I usually use the orange cheese, but today I’m going to use the white cheese. I think both sound very yummy.”
• What if…? When reading or watching a show together, ask children if they can imagine a different storyline or alternate ending. What if Andre had done something different? What do you think would happen? Engaging kids’ imaginations will help them think creatively about real-world situations too.
• Change the rules. Keep children ‘on their toes’ by changing up the rules of a familiar game. Instead of Duck, Duck, Goose! play Frog, Frog, Rabbit! Instead of regular tag, play freeze tag. Instead of running to first base, challenge children to leap!

Adventure together.

Seeking new experiences can help change become… more familiar. Together, make a list of new things you’d like to try. For example, you could try a new food, a different hairstyle, going on a hike, or skipping instead of walking. Then, schedule time to try them! Can you try one new thing each month? What about each week? By the end of a year, you’ll have a mountain of memories together and some great flexible thinking skills.

What else could it be?

Part of flexible thinking involves being able to see things in a new way. Gather a few items from around your house, such as a paper towel tube, a funnel, or a whisk. Ask your child, “What else could it be?” Invite him to use his imagination and think of as many things as possible! Try the same activity when coloring together. Draw a simple shape such as a triangle, square, or circle. A circle could be a cookie, a flying saucer, a wheel, or a bubble!

Self-regulation, or the ability to manage thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, is a critical skill for little ones. The ability to identify emotions, focus and shift their attention, and control impulses can help children have success at home, at school, and in relationships.

In family life, co-regulation, or finding ways to interact with each other so that you both can manage your feelings and behaviors better, can be powerful, too. Awareness, understanding, and compassion are key to co-regulation. Consider the ideas below.

I notice, I feel, I can

This three-step process helps build mind-body-emotion connections for you and your child. When practiced together, it can also help you gain awareness, learn something new about the other, and deepen bonds of trust.

• Step 1. I notice… Help children pause to notice the feelings they are feeling in their body. (For instance, when we feel frustrated, our hearts might beat faster.)
• Step 2. I feel… Help children name the feeling.
• Step 3. I can… Help children choose a strategy to manage their feeling, and then try it.

Curiosity and Compassion

Members of your family may respond differently to the same situation. Our life experiences, temperament, and external factors can all play a role in that. Sometimes someone else’s reaction may be confusing or frustrating to us. (Was a meltdown really necessary?)

Though difficult, pausing for a moment of curious reflection can help you have a more compassionate response. Try to look at the situation with a rational outlook, using a moderate and kind tone of voice. The goal is to acknowledge the feeling, affirm the person, and plan for what to do next time.

Try out this “script,” which you might say out loud or even to yourself:

• “What happened?”
• “Because that happened, it makes sense that you/I would feel _______________.”
• “I don’t want you to get stuck in that big feeling. Next time, maybe you/I could respond a little differently. Instead, we might (list a few options) .”
• “Can we give that a try next time? Yes, okay! We have a plan!”

Many ways to regulate

We have different stressors, and we may prefer different ways to cope, too. Practicing many ways to regulate—when you’re already calm—can help you find what works for each member of your family. As you practice, notice what seems to help your child specifically—perhaps snuggling a lovey or comfort item calms them, or maybe music instantly shifts the mood—and be ready to reach for these strategies next time they need them. And of course, try a few options on for yourself, too.

It can be challenging when your family’s coping strategies are at odds (perhaps your child is soothed by music, but all you want is a few moments of silence). And as the parent, you will often need to put your child’s preferences first. But making time for you is important. Read through the “Making Time for Me” article for ideas on ways to meet your own needs.

“It’s hard to do for somebody else what you have not yet done for yourself.”
– Chandra Ghosh Ippen, Ph.D., Associate Director of the Child Trauma Research Program at the University of California, San Francisco, and Sesame Workshop advisor

You’ve heard it before, but we’ll say it again: When you take time to care for yourself, you’re better able to care for others. Your caring presence is so important to your child’s well-being and overall development. What you do, and who you are matters to your child.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Fortunately, children benefit when they see the grown-ups in their lives model persistence. Seeing you try to be your best helps them learn to try, too. Getting regular “me time” is one way to show up for you—and for them!

Explaining “me time”

Little ones might have a hard time understanding why you would want to be alone…on purpose. You can explain to them that sometimes we all need breaks to do things on our own and that “me time” is a way of taking care of ourselves.

For very young children especially, separating from you may be difficult. Let children know you’ll come back. And then let go! They will miss you (and you may miss them, too!), but they will be okay. Make the most of your “me time”, so that your “us time” will be even better.

Reconnecting with yourself

Alone time or “me time” is an important part of a person’s overall well-being. It’s one of many tools you can use to help you recharge and reconnect with what’s important to you. It’s especially helpful in parenting.

As a parent, you are making decisions and practicing self-control all the time. That takes stamina, and naturally, as you get tired, your brain gets tired, too! Spending time outside of your usual environment or routine can signal to your brain that it’s time to relax and reset.

Chances are, after doing something you really enjoy—preferably something that allows you to ‘lose track of time’—you’ll be more able to function (and parent) from the part of your brain that’s driven by rationality, not emotion. You may feel you have more patience, creativity, and compassion for others in your life.

“Me time” can include anything that you look forward to, and ideally something that allows you to ‘forget’ about some of your responsibilities for a little while. You might spend your time:

• Moving your body
• Reading
• Writing in a journal
• Thinking
• Making art or music
• Playing a game
• Connecting with a friend
• Taking a class

However you choose to spend it, remember that “me time” is an opportunity to reconnect with what makes you…you! In time, you’ll discover or re-discover interests, talents, strength, and joy—all things that you need in parenting; all things that can have positive and lasting effects for your family.

It takes a village.

Getting “me time” can be challenging. It may require flexibility from your family or extra help to care for children or other responsibilities. But it’s okay to ask for what you need—be specific and collaborative. And aim for 5-30 minutes each day. Say, “I would like to take 15 minutes after dinner to take a short walk each day. How can we make that happen?”

Sometimes getting time completely to yourself isn’t possible. If that’s the case, consider setting aside time and space for “not-so-together time.” Invite children to do an activity you enjoy along with you, but in their own way. For instance, you might draw in a sketchbook while kids scribble on in a coloring book. You might also put on some calming music or play the “quiet game” to help children understand that this is special time.

Have a plan.

Sometimes “alone time” can catch us by surprise. On those rare days when all the children are napping at the same time, for instance, you may find yourself with a pocket of time that you just don’t know what to do with! Having options at the ready for what you could do with five, ten, or even thirty minutes of down time can help you spend your precious moments meaningfully. Use the Me Time Ideas printable to make list for yourself.

Source: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/me-time-sounds-good-but-when-exactly-2018020513212

As a parent, your caring connection with your child plays a powerful role in setting them up for a future of healthy relationships and emotional well-being that can last a lifetime. Attunement—recognizing and responding to your child’s emotions and needs—is an important way to make your child feel accepted, understood, seen, heard, and safe!

It can be challenging, especially if you’re solo-parenting or trying to meet the needs of multiple children, to make sure everyone’s needs are met, and emotional “buckets” are filled. Remember that even a few minutes of quality time—even 5 to 10 minutes together—can be enough time to help your child feel valued and re-connected to you.

PRIDE  

Use “PRIDE” to strengthen your connection with your child—especially as they play or try new things—to help them feel seen, heard, and supported. These are simple ways to show your child you’re paying attention and care about them:

• Praise: Offer positive feedback (“You’re doing such a good job sharing your favorite toy.”)
• Reflect: Repeat something similar to what kids say. (If your child says, “I like playing with these blocks,” you might reflect, “Those blocks are so cool to play with. They’re your favorite!”)
• Imitate: “Copy” children’s play. (If your child is drawing a house, you might say “I think I’ll draw a house, too.”)
• Describe: “Talk through” what your child is doing. (“You drew a colorful rainbow!”)
• Enthusiasm: Show you’re excited to play together! (“I love playing this new game with you. Good job!”)

Source: Erlanger Turner, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California, and an expert on child and multicultural psychology.