Embracing being a caregiving family isn’t always simple. Big feelings like uncertainty and even grief come and go. Some days will be difficult, but caregiving, especially when the whole family is “in it together,” can be so rewarding. Understanding that caregiving is a journey best taken one day at a time can help everyone take challenges “in stride.” Consider these ideas as you take stock of what your caregiving journey may look like.

Grieving Is Part of the Process

Working together, your family can rise up to overcome any challenge. But first, it’s important to give everyone space to grieve and feel the many emotions that come with big life changes. Although your loved one is still with you, you may find yourself experiencing feelings of loss. There are many kinds of loss—of independence, control, roles, the future as you’d imagined it would be.

Each member of the family may grieve differently and at a difference pace. Grief may go away briefly, return, and then go away again. When faced with waves of grief, adopt a mantra. For example: We’re going to be fine. We’re still a family. We will heal.

My grief is like the ocean,

And today I am the beach.

Wave after wave falls upon me;

Each one changes my shape.

I am renewed with every swell of water.

Through It, Not Around It

The challenges of caregiving are best faced head-on. If you or your loved one has trouble seeking or accepting help, remember that asking for help is often necessary, and always a brave step. You are not the only ones going through this. Many have before. You can learn from them. Many will follow. You can help them. And many are beside you right now. You can lean on them when times are hard.

• Seek professional help: Reaching out to your primary care provider or family doctor may be a good start. Depression, traumatic brain injury (TBI), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), among others, require particular care that only professionals can provide.
• Take note: Depending on the injuries of your loved one, you may need to learn how to perform relatively complex medical procedures. You are part of a health team, and your closeness to your loved one is an asset. To help, you can share what you know with doctors, take notes during appointments, and share what you know or notice with your health care providers.
• Reach out: Joining a support services group on social media may open pathways to new friendships and resources.

Here and Now

Caregiving may be temporary, but it may also last a long time. When having to re-learn skills that one had mastered before, it is easy to fixate on the past. It is also common to wonder about the future and worry about what changes may lie ahead. But as a military caregiver, embracing the present can help. After all, present moments and daily actions are adding to your family’s story.

• Be present: Being present can be as simple as noticing your breath. Use deep breathing exercises to bring your thoughts back to who you are today.
• Remember what you can do: Focus on the things you can do now by making a list of “Things I can do.” Include everyday achievements like getting out of bed, taking a shower, or getting dressed. A walk outside can also be a big step forward for you and your family. This can be helpful for you as well as your children.
• Practice gratitude: Collect your “Things I can do” list to appreciate how far you’ve come. You might be surprised by the things you and your family can accomplish.

At the end of the day, every family has different needs – and you know yours best. Build a “new normal” that works for your family. And, if you can, embrace the uncertainty. When you set out on a journey, it’s impossible to know everything you’ll face. But detours often make trips interesting. Plus, every bend and curve in the road helps you and your child grow stronger, smarter, and kinder.

Caregiving often means adjusting old routines and embracing new responsibilities. Inevitably, your children will ask you some tough questions. Why does a parent seem angry? Or sad? When will things be the way they were? There are age-appropriate ways to explain these changes to your children.

Here are some questions your children might ask, and ways you might respond:

When will things be back to normal?

• Explain that getting better can take a long time, and that sometimes when big changes happen, we need to have a “new normal.”
• Explain that while many things change, some stay the same. Talk about the things that are the same, then adopt new routines that give kids consistency and something to look forward to.
• Just because things are different doesn’t mean they’re worse. Different can be good, even fun. We can celebrate ways we’ve grown and changed over the years.

Why does a parent seem not “like him/herself”?

• If the parent seems physically the same, you can explain that the hurt or injury is inside. Sometimes when you look at a person, you can’t see the hurt, but it’s there. You can use the name of the injury if you have a medical diagnosis.
• Help your children understand that an injury or chronic illness may change the way the injured parent feels, talks, and acts. Everything from forgetfulness to anger and frustration to sleepiness can be symptoms of this injury.
• Remind children that none of this is their fault, and that they can help the family by helping out around the house, giving their parents some quiet time, and just by being themselves—they add so much joy to your lives!

Why does the caregiving parent seem sad?

• Assure your children that everyone, including you, has feelings, and that there are no feelings too big—or too little—to talk about.
• The changes involved in military caregiving can lead to big feelings. It’s okay to let your children see you cry. Explain why—say that you’re just feeling sad or having a hard day, and that sometimes it helps to let feelings out in this way.
• Use your own feelings to start a conversation about your children’s feelings. What are some safe, constructive ways you can express big feelings together? Running, dancing, listening to music, creating art, and taking deep breaths can help.

How come Mommy/Daddy doesn’t go to work?

• Daddy/Mommy got hurt while at his/her job.
• Mommy/Daddy’s first job is to take care of herself/himself. She/he is focusing on taking care of her/his injuries so that we can spend time together as a family.

Children often need words to repeat for themselves and for their parents as the family goes through particularly difficult times. Try some of these phrases:

• We are home. We are safe.
• We can keep moving forward.
• It’s all about teamwork. We are all part of this team.

It’s okay to not know all the answers, and to say so! Reassure your children that you’re learning together with them. And that you can all take your time to get comfortable with each other and your new ways of doing things. Modeling a hopeful attitude in the midst of uncertainty will help your family thrive.

Caregiving, like any transition, can evoke many feelings in children. Developing an “I can do it” attitude can help your little ones face challenges every day. Use these playful ideas to help kids express feelings and inspire confidence during this recent change in your life as a family.

Explore Feelings

Big feelings come and go—and they’re all okay to feel, even at the same time! When kids know how to name what they’re feeling, they gain confidence in talking about their feelings with you.

Build Skills

Learning new skills can help children develop confidence. Help kids master a new physical feat like jumping on one foot, throwing a ball, or riding a bike. Or work on developing academic skills by drawing letters, adding and subtracting, or sounding out a word. Accomplishments big and small add to a feeling of confidence that kids can draw upon in times of discouragement. Keep track of all your children have accomplished and display the growing list in a place that they’ll see every day.

High Five

To help your children get excited about being members of your caregiving team, use your fingers to count to five. As you count, say something positive about each child, such as, “You are brave” or “You are helpful” or “You are kind to your siblings.” Invite them to do the same for you or another family member. Each time you get to five and your hand is open, share a high five to celebrate!