There is nothing easy about explaining death to children, particularly the death of a family member. You may feel unsure about how to start the conversation or what exactly to say; or you may want to protect your child from the kind of pain you yourself are experiencing. But it is important for your child’s emotional health and well-being that you talk openly and honestly about the situation. 

Explain what happened

• Gently explain what death is to younger children. Try to be as concrete as possible. For example, you might say, “When a person dies, his or her body stops working. The heart stops beating, and the body stops moving, eating, and breathing.” Older children might have a better understanding of death, but still have a hard time grasping that it could happen to someone they know. Explain that death is a natural part of the life cycle for everyone. 
• Your child may be curious about the nature of death, what happens after death, or the specific details of the death of a loved one. Answer your child’s questions simply and directly. Share basic facts when appropriate and don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t have all the answers. 
• Children may not realize that death is permanent. They may ask questions or make statements such as, “When is daddy coming back?” Try to use terms such as “died” and “dead.” Although such phrases as “went to sleep” and “passed away” may seem gentler, they may also be confusing. 
• In the case of suicide, telling your children the truth about the suicide could help protect them when others start asking about what happened. It is essential to stress that the person who died had an illness. You might say, “Your daddy’s brain wasn’t healthy and that made him feel so confused that he did something that caused him to die.” Try to focus on the positive memories of your loved one, instead of how he or she died. 

Respond to concerns and confusion

• Your children might draw inaccurate conclusions about the death of a parent. For example, children may blame themselves for the death (“If I hadn’t gotten mad at Mom/Dad the day before, he would not have died”) and think they can bring that person back by behaving better. Assure your children that nothing they did caused the death, and gently explain that nothing they do can reverse it.
• Your children might assume that if they can’t see the parent’s body, the parent isn’t really dead. Have patience and be prepared to recount the facts repeatedly. Offer your children comfort: “Even though the person has died, his or her memory can live on in our hearts.”

Offer reassurance

• Your children may worry about you, too, thinking that if one parent can die, the other might also. Offer reassurance by saying: “No one can promise not to die, but we take care of ourselves by staying healthy and strong, and I expect us to be together for a long time.”
• “Who will take care of me?” may be a big question on your children’s minds after the death of a parent. Offer examples that demonstrate how you and other special individuals will be there for him. You may make a list together of other people (grandparents, aunts, family friends, etc.) who can step in and take care “just in case.”
• This is a difficult time for you, as well as for your children. Look to family, friends, and community for support. Let your children know that although no one will ever take the place of the parent who died, many people care about your family and are here to help you. Your lives can still be happy going forward.

Grief, the intense set of feelings associated with death, is a family experience. Grief is complex; it encompasses a wide range of emotions that can come and go in waves. Be assured that there is no set way or length of time to grieve. In helping children cope with death, remember that all children are unique and will grieve at their own pace. While the sadness may not ever completely go away, you and your family can find strength and comfort in one another.

Encourage the expression of feelings

• Assure your children that everyone, including you, has feelings, and that there are no feelings too big–or too little–to talk about.
• In dealing with loss, it’s okay to let your children see you cry or even to cry together. Explain why you are crying. Say, “I’m feeling sad, but I will be all right.” Explain that it sometimes helps to let the feelings out in this way.
• It is important to recognize that your children might feel angry at or disappointed with the parent for dying, even if the service member is seen as a hero. Allow your children to express their feelings openly. You can say: “I know you’re upset that dad died. Sometimes I feel like that, too.”
• Children may experience a wide range of feelings—anger, sadness, hopelessness, disappointment, confusion, loneliness, guilt, worry—but they may not always have the words to identify these emotions. Help younger children find alternative ways of communicating—drawing pictures or acting out their feelings by using puppets, for example. Encourage older children to explore their feelings by writing in a journal or playing music.
• Pent-up feelings of anger or frustration can lead to behavior that is destructive or harmful. Provide your children with safe and constructive outlets for these intense emotions. Encourage kids to run, dance around, or pound on playdough. Listening to soothing music and taking deep breaths can also help them feel calmer and more relaxed.

Be patient and observant

• Be patient. Your children may not be ready to talk right away. Let them know that you will be there to listen when whenever they’re ready.
• For many young children, grief is temporarily interrupted by a normal feelings state, only to be replaced again by grief a few hours, days, or years later. Teachers or other adults may tell you that children “should be over” their grief, but grief is an ongoing process.
• Observing your children’s behavior may help you understand their needs. Sometimes children’s reactions when coping with the death and absence of a parent can be especially severe. Some common feelings or behaviors might persist, grow in intensity, or occur more frequently, signaling a need for extra attention. For instance, children may have nightmares or scary thoughts, experience trouble sleeping, become excessively irritable, develop new fears, or exhibit regressive behavior. If you have concerns about any behaviors, seek professional help right away.

Remember: You are still a family

• Take care of yourself so you can better take care of your children. Try to maintain healthy routines. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that help you feel calm.
• Allow your children to be children. This applies especially to older children who may have new responsibilities but still need opportunities for fun and play.
• Offer hopeful ways of thinking about the future: “We’re going to be fine. We’re still a family, and we will heal.”
• Find additional strategies about helping children cope with death using the printable Talk, Listen, Connect, Caring Cards.

Feelings of grief may never completely go away, but they will be easier to endure in time. At some point you may notice that you and your family are taking “grief breaks,” moments when you forget your sadness. Give yourself and your children permission to feel happy again. Be assured that the memory of your loved one will continue to live on in your hearts as your family moves forward.

Find ways to say good-bye

• A funeral service may be the occasion for taking the first step in the grieving process, but you and your children may also benefit from a smaller memorial gathering. Plan this gathering together and invite close family and friends. Allow everyone to share memories and stories. It’s okay to share funny memories and laughter, too!
• As a family, plant a garden bed of your loved one’s favorite flower or tree in his or her honor.

Keep memories alive

• Find ways to celebrate your loved one’s life and important place in the family. For instance, you may continue to celebrate your loved one’s birthday, eat their favorite meal, or listen to their favorite song together.
• If religious traditions are part of your family’s life, incorporate them in your memory celebrations.
• To help keep memories alive, look through photos together or carry a keepsake in your pocket, such as a small seashell or stone from a place you liked to visit with your loved one.
• As a family, gather pictures, clothes, or other things that remind you of your loved one and the good times you shared together. Then take turns telling stories or writing about each item. You may want to record these stories with your video camera.
• Try downloading the Memory Chain and, as a family, create a handmade remembrance of your loved one.

Establish a “new normal”

• In building resilience in kids, you can create new routines. Remember, you can still have fun and love the person who died.
• A new family structure may emerge. You might find that you are open to living in a new place or feel that you want to share your life with others who have gone through similar experiences.
• After a while, you may plan vacations or special occasions, giving your family something to look forward to.

When grieving the loss of a service member, those in the military may feel confused about how to keep that community as part of life for themselves or a child. But there are ways to incorporate the military community in the process of grieving and healing. The continued connection to your community, those who supported you and your loved ones, is a helpful and protective factor in grieving and healing after a death. However, how a child stays connected to a parent’s military experience can be a complex journey, especially if the parent died by suicide while in service. There are a few main points to understand and potentially incorporate into your approach.  

1. A child may not be sure if it is even okay to engage with the parent’s military service history (talking about it, wanting to see pictures, or hearing stories), to even speak with the service member’s peers or go to events. Talk through what it means to the child to be connected to that history and how that will make them feel.  
2. There may be an ebb and flow to how much your child wants to engage with their parent’s service history. Continue to acknowledge, validate, and support. 
3. Within the process of grieving and healing, there can be many benefits to having regular touchpoints with a family member’s service or service history. Having a routine holiday or memorial moment dedicated to the person who died allows the child to remain connected to that person and gives guaranteed time for positive memories to be shared. Additionally, in the case of a death by suicide while in service, reengaging with the military community and service history allows you and the child to acknowledge and honor the service member’s life more fully.

The experiences of survivors after a loved one dies by suicide are as varied as snowflakes, with no one experience exactly like another. Not only are you attempting to make sense of what may feel like a whole new world for yourself, you may also be in a situation where there are children present who are managing the loss, as well. Through this article, we want to help you think through how and when to engage with children after a loved one dies by suicide.   

It is important to note that there is no “right way” to grieve for adults or children and no “one-size fits all” approach to communicating with children after a death by suicide occurs. We all want to “say the right thing” and “not make the situation worse.” When it comes to grief after a suicide, though, so much of the “right thing” has more to do with your approach than finding the perfect words.  

Entering into conversations about suicide can be emotional, stressful, and overwhelming, even more so if that conversation is with a child, which is why it will be important for you to check in with yourself and your needs before engaging. You may find that you need to do something for yourself and your grieving process, like journaling or confiding in a trusted support. Addressing what you are feeling and thinking about how your own personal experiences (upbringing, culture, faith) are at play can be helpful before trying to address those with someone else. Overall, it will be essential for you to be in a place where you can focus your energy on the support of your child. There will never be a “right time” and it may never seem like you are “ready” to have a conversation like this, but, in checking in with yourself, you can then take extra care to focus on the needs of the young child next to you.   

So, when do you talk with a child about a death by suicide? Again, there is no answer that will be right one hundred percent of the time and there are many factors that will go into a decision on when. However, children are very perceptive and will, more likely than not, know that something emotionally hard is happening within their lives and the lives of those around them. This is not to say that you should absolutely tell the child everything at once, but by not at least acknowledging that something emotionally hard is happening, it runs the risk of making the grieving process all the more confusing for a child. How much you tell and when are going to be very personal choices based on your relationship with the child and their ability to understand; however, your consistent approach should remain one that acknowledges, validates, and supports the experience of the child. It can be as simple as the child saying, “Something sad is happening,” and you responding with, “Yes, something sad is happening. Would you like to talk more about it?” Regardless of when you have this conversation, whether it is right away or gradually over time, children cope better with a suicide loss when provided with honest information and interactions.  

How you talk with a 3-year-old about a death by suicide is also going to be vastly different than how that is approached with an 8-year-old or a 12-year-old. And, if you begin talking about the death at age 3, you will need to evolve your interactions as the child grows. Children, by age, have varying levels of ability to understand complex experiences and they can express emotions differently. A very young child may be struggling with the permanence of death, whereas an older child may be struggling more to understand what caused it. Overall, you will want to use words that the child can understand and you should check for understanding, any questions they may have, and their emotional response as you go.  

Beyond reinforcing that there may never be a clear “right time”, the decision of when and how much to share with a child will need to account for factors most relevant to you and for the child. It is important to know that this conversation may have to happen a few times and to be prepared for that to occur. Again, children have varying levels of ability to understand, so one conversation may address their thoughts and questions in the moment, but they may want to reapproach their thoughts and emotions later on. Or they simply may not have understood the permanence of the death by suicide. 

Other recommendations for talking to a child about suicide include: gently explaining the basic facts of what happened, acknowledging and encouraging the child to ask questions, reassuring the child that they are not at fault for the death, and letting them know that it is okay to experience intense or confusing emotions after a death. It could be helpful to adapt these recommendations to fit into your own personal approach.  

There are no easy answers when it comes to communicating with a child about a death by suicide, in the military community or beyond. Know that the choice of when and what to share is going to be hard, emotional, and complex. Checking in with yourself, having your approach down, and sticking to your goals may be some of the best tools you can keep in your toolbox and ones you can hopefully pass on to a child.